It's still not funny

My husband had his hip replaced in December in 2006. Surgery it self went better than expected, it’s what I had to deal with afterwards that hurts my very soul. I hope to one day find humor in what happen but even to this day, looking back is upsetting.
It’s hard for most people to realizing all the work that goes into taking good care of Tom. At the age of 22 he has never walked, talked, or learned day from night. He needs someone to do all his care, from feeding to diapering. I've learned so much from Tom. He is a lot of work, tons of work but worth every cent of it.
After my husband's hip replacement, he couldn’t even pull up or down his own underwear or pants. I had to put on his socks and shoes too. During the night would wake me up to ask me just to move his leg for him. Don could hardly move, couldn’t drive, and had to be to therapy 3x’s a week. So what would be so wrong in asking for help? Read on and see if you can understand why I now hate, yes, hate asking for help.

Weeks before surgery I sent out my S.O.S. through emails, phone calls and just asking family and friends asking for any and all the help I could get. Any kind of help and in any way is needed and would be deeply appreciated. No one committed to helping me (except Laura and Mark) and from that time on until after surgery the regular emails and forwards that one would get, completely stopped. Was everyone trying to hide from me? What is going on? Is everyone pretending they don’t exist? Did I make them feel uncomfortable, like they were obligated to help me?

On the day of surgery we walked into waiting room to discover my brother-in-law brought up my father-in-law, who is 83 years old, with the plan of leaving him with us until my SIL showed up after work that afternoon to pick him up. What was my BIL thinking? This 83yr old can’t walk around the hospital to pass time and I can’t sit still during a 3+ hour surgery. Was the plan for me to entertain him? Why did I feel like a babysitter? That will NOT work and made him take him home!

The afternoon of surgery I was up to the hospital and a volunteer said she would get Tommy off the school bus and take care of him so I could stay up at the hospital. She called me at the hospital wanting to know where in our freezer she could find some chicken, for she had found my potatoes. She needed to cook supper for her husband and 3 children. Is this a way of helping me by eating my food and messing up my kitchen? Do I owe her chicken as payment?? I couldn't even think of dinner at this time!

That evening some of Don’s co-workers showed up to the hospital after spending hours drinking at the bar first. It was apparent to everyone they were very drunk. My husband was notably upset.

I returned home that evening and my chicken cooking volunteer quickly left for home with food for the family. Walking into the living room with the odor I realized that she left Tom in the diaper from school and it was full of poop. Tom not knowing any better but probably wanted in out of his diaper; got his fingers in it and smeared it EVERYWHERE! That evening I cried. I needed sleep was exhausted with knowing I had to be up early the next morning, but needed to give Tom a bath, clean sheets, and still find my self some kind of dinner.

Someone from Don’s family brought my FIL up to the hospital daily for visits. He always brought bananas and apples from the reduced bin at the local grocery store with him. What was I to do with rotting fruit? Don was in so much pain, eating was not a high priority. Yes, when we left the hospital I had a huge bag of rotten fruit? Sorry no time to make banana bread.

The only relative from my side of the family besides my parents that visited Don in the hospital was my annoying cousin that worked there. I am so upset and embarrassed for I am one of nine children and all live within a 15/20 minute or less drive of the hospital.

A volunteer wanted to help do some Christmas shopping for me. I wrote out a list. She called me from every store and for every purchased. She just wanting to check to make sure the gift was OK. Phone rang about every 15 minutes while she was out shopping. I couldn’t keep running to the phone, my help was needed else where. I would always say if it’s not right, I’ll return it later, but the phone kept ringing.

Don's home from the hospital my sister and her daughters were visiting when my brothers and his wife brought over a hot dinner. The sister volunteered to set the dinner table for us. Next thing I knew there were dinner plates on the table for her and her daughters too. Extra dinner guest, do you think they helped with dishes???

Don received a get well card in the mail, at the bottom of the card, was written "return card when finished". Never did return understand that or returned the card.

Father-in-law made and brought over sandwiches for us. Between the sliced of bread you would find pizza pepperoni, carrot slices, and tomato slices. He was so proud of his creation that he had to sit across from me at the table to watch me eat it.

Boss from Don’s work showed up and said “Don’t you think it’s funny?” There is another man named Don who had lots things in common with my husband, Don. He listed many of them and said “Both you Don's had your left hip replaced in Toledo on the same day. He died and you didn’t.” How is that funny?

Someone close to the family who is known for their addiction to pain killers show up just to talk. Yes, right after they left we counted pill and 4 were missing. We hid the pills, then they stopped coming over.

Another volunteer called saying she was bringing over leftovers from a teacher lunch-in. It would be great food from a good restaurant. She forgot to mention that she also invited herself, her daughter and grandchildren to eat dinner with us. They all arrived at our house and said “Let’s eat” During dinner a child wanted me to get up and make her mac & cheese.

A friend sent over a meal. She then called me on the phone stating she didn’t have time to go to the store and get cheese and the sauce that is needed in this dish. Where I am to find the time to go? No way could I leave Don and Tom home alone at this time.

I had asked a nephew to help me bath Tom while Don’s hip was mending. He acted happy to be helpful and went beyond the call of duty. Then I found pictures of Tom, not dressed fresh from the tube on his cell phone. Yes, I should have called the police. Still at time wished I would have. What a family uproar that would have caused. My nephew is not allowed back into my house!

Am I crazy?? Do I need to seek mental help? Where did I and am I going wrong?? All of this happen within a short span of time. But to be truthful this is what I deal with often, help that is more work for me. I hope to one day see some humor in this but as of today when I still ask for help it usually backfires and makes even more work for me. I think I'm going to scream at the next person that tells me "you make it look so easy."